Days like these
Photographed by Garrett Randolph
“… For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
-1 Samual 16:7
Recently, God put a dream inside my heart. It wasn’t anything glamorous. Honestly, it would be considered fairly ordinary to most people I imagine. He birthed a dream inside my heart, by declaring a statement about who I was that was hard for me to believe. He spoke something about my identity that prophesied about my purpose.
At first, I interpreted His voice of truth over me as a task I was supposed to complete for Him, instead of a promise that would be fulfilled through Him. I was terrified, knowing I did not have it in me. My mind ran in circles thinking of all the challenges ahead and the inadequacies I possessed that would inevitably lead to utter failure. Every day for weeks, I would hear His quiet voice of promise over me, but it would quickly be overtaken by fear. I almost felt embarrassed that God would ask me to be something that I could not become. That He had the wrong girl— and I had to disappoint Him with a decline to His mistaken invitation. Until one day, the Holy Spirit reminded me: “I have not given you a spirit of fear” (1 Timothy 1:7), causing me to face the truth of what God was speaking and not turn away from it in denial (James 1:23-24). While cleaning my bathroom, I broke down and let God see all the fear and resistance within me. This began still continuing process of the Father emptying me of my need to stand in my own strength so that I could be filled with His instead— a journey of believing what the Lord said about me, not because I am enough, but because Jesus who is enough, lives within me. I began to give God’s voice authority over my fear.
Soon after, an opportunity in the topic He was speaking to me about opened up. It was a minor step in that direction, but felt like a huge leap of obedience for me personally. God kept reminding me, “do not fear, I am here”, “not by your strength, but by My Spirit”, “I am enough for you”, and “all I need is your yes”.
I followed through. This situation ended up “failing”, miserably. Everything that could have gone wrong, did. In that moment, all of my insecurities felt more solidified than the promises of God over me. I was left weeping on the couch with my husband, thinking, “this was the smallest measure of what you said you had planned for me to do and I couldn’t even do that! I went in with faith, leaned on You despite my fear, and still, here I am—a mess and a failure! I do not understand, God! How did I deviate from Your plan if I obeyed You?”
I then felt the calm of His Presence and His gentle touch upon my face. He said,
“You cannot get to where we are going, without days like these.”
The Comforter healed something inside of me. God was less interested in what I could accomplish and much more interested in who I am becoming. The actual miracle was in the training and transforming of my heart, during the process of obedience. Days of tears, disappointment, failure, frustration, waiting, and sadness are not a contradiction to God’s handiwork. When we are more focused on measurable performance, we can miss the sweet celebrations of God over the growth within His children— within you and me.
If the true reward really is to know Jesus and to be like Jesus, then this failure was not a failure at all. May we be thankful for the “days like these”, when we are changed by God in ways we could never change ourselves. Thank you, Lord, for the road of transformation that is not always beautiful or easy.
“In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 1:4-6
